"Singing Again: How I Silenced My Inner Judge and Embraced My Inner Knowing"

Recently, in my group coaching program, we discussed finding our purpose. We asked our clients, "What lights you up?" My coaching partner, Suzanne, and I led an exercise about recalling what excited about life before alcohol. For many of us with (AUD) we have to travel back to our childhood. For me, it was riding my bike, being outdoors, baking, writing, and singing, which I also loved. I used to sing in high school, and as an adult, I sang in the church choir. I loved it! Singing is one of the ways I feel closest to God. However, when we left our former church, I decided to take a break from singing with a hangover in the choir. Singing with a hangover is absolute worst!

Over the years, I've been asked why I don't try out for the worship team. I made up stories about not being good enough and how much time it required. And with time, I started to believe them, telling myself I was too old or my voice wasn't suited for a worship team.

Last year, God placed on my heart to explore singing again. I inquired about our church’s worship team, but each time they held auditions, we had a conflict. A couple of weeks ago, I received an email about auditions. I signed up, and then I had a fall and sprained my ankle. This past Saturday morning, I woke up and said to Matt, "I’m not going to go because I fell." I almost sent a text canceling. But, in that moment, I silenced the negative voice and said, "NO. That's just my judge and the enemy telling me a lie." So, I got up and said to myself, "It’s time to get into the arena! If I don’t make it, it will still be fun trying!" Plus, I removed the regretful thought, 'I wish I had tried.'

I love this quote from Teddy Roosevelt about critics and I used this to fight back with my own inner critic:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." Teddy Roosevelt

Friends, our negative thoughts will try to hold us back, with or without alcohol. One thing I do know is that alcohol amplifies the voice and makes it so much louder. After four years of living free, I still have to tell my inner critic (Judge) that we will be okay even if we fail. We are not going to die; nothing serious will happen to us if we don’t make the cut! Finally, one thing to consider is: What if you do succeed? How will you know if you don’t try?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11