Why Can’t I Get This? Why Am I Falling Apart?

In the fall of 2015, I was at home. The kids had left for school. It was a very dark time for me. I was full of emptiness, Calling out for help. Dark thoughts of wishing I was dead or never born were swarming in my head. (My own George Bailey moment.) Praying for God to help me. I called Matt. “I can’t go to work. I need help!” I couldn’t move. I just sat and cried.

I got into counseling finally at age 47. Things got better. I gained tools to help me, but the one thing I needed to release was still in the room. The one thing I still leaned on and went to was alcohol. I never shared with my therapist that I was using alcohol to numb out from my own internal disappointment in my life.

888 DAYS AF!

As my son says, "It's all about the GAINS!"

But when I thought about quitting alcohol, it was all about deprivation! Like many of us, I was focused on what I would have to give up. A completely normal response, by the way.

I was so scared to give up my wine or craft beer because how would anything be fun without alcohol?

How could I socialize without a glass of wine in my hand?

How could I get through events without a beer?

How could I go on vacation?

Finally, how would I be able to toast my kids and their new spouses at their weddings?

I was fixated on missing out! I mean, how can we do anything without a glass or two of wine or a cocktail?