Comparison trapped Me
Why can’t I get this? Why am I falling apart?
In the fall of 2015, I was at home. The kids had left for school. It was a very dark time for me. I was full of emptiness, Calling out for help. Dark thoughts of wishing I was dead or never born were swarming in my head. (My own George Bailey moment.) Praying for God to help me. I called Matt. “I can’t go to work. I need help!” I couldn’t move. I just sat and cried.
I got into counseling finally at age 47. Things got better. I gained tools to help me, but the one thing I needed to release was still in the room. The one thing I still leaned on and went to was alcohol. I never shared with my therapist that I was using alcohol to numb out from my own internal disappointment in my life.
So Many Disappointments
Disappointments in my own parenting skills, disappointments that I didn’t just keep working full-time at the bank. Disappointments in my relationships with everyone, my parents, in-laws, and friends. I wasn’t a good wife or mom.
What was fueling that disappointment? Comparison to everything and everyone. Comparing my life to everyone else’s.
President Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Teddy was right - My joy was gone because of the comparison game. I was full of self-doubt and self-hate. So, although I was going and talking to my therapist weekly. Mentally, I did get better. But I still wasn’t aware of what alcohol was doing to me. My therapist didn’t ask me about my drinking either. It just didn’t come up. I wasn’t going to bring it up because I didn’t feel like alcohol was the problem.
Counseling helped, and for a couple of years, I went to therapy, and then I thought I had it all under control. But unfortunately, over the next couple of years, my drinking was starting to become a daily ritual, and I was really using it as my medication. Kind of like Tylenol. Have a couple of drinks to take the edge off, and call me in the morning.
Comparison continued to fuel my drinking and alcohol continued to fuel my anxiety and depression.
“Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other - it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out.” Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart.
The insanity is when you have depression and anxiety, comparison can just make you spiral.
So, my drinking just kept slowly ramping up. That’s what happens when you use alcohol. Over time, it just ramps up. You build up tolerance, and you need more and more to get the same feeling. You are drinking to get the dopamine rush. So, instead of a couple of drinks, you want more. You find yourself chasing the buzz or chasing the numbing.
Comparison was a part of my issues with alcohol as well. I was looking at how many drinks everyone else would have. Am I drinking too much? They are drinking just like me.
But, I finally realized that I had to step out of the comparison game of comparing my drinking to everyone else’s. I felt like crap. And who cares how someone else is drinking? Seriously, we have to stop with comparison.
"Comparison will either make you feel superior or inferior. Neither honors God!”
- Pastor Craig Groeschel
Comparison keeps us small.
Comparison keeps us trapped.
It is time to step off the Comparison spiral. It is time to see your value as a person. And for me, as a believer I have to see my value in Christ. It’s time to “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
Here are five ways to stop the comparison game:
Focus on yourself: Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on yourself and what you can do to improve yourself. Set personal goals that you can work toward and measure your progress.
Practice gratitude: Remind yourself of what you’re grateful for. Acknowledge your own successes and strengths and practice gratitude for them. I write down three things I’m grateful to God for each night.
Focus on the big picture: Instead of comparing yourself to others in terms of specific accomplishments, focus on the big picture. Everyone has their own unique set of skills and abilities, and it’s important to celebrate that.
Choose your role models wisely: Choose role models who inspire you to be better and focus on what you can learn from them rather than comparing yourself to them.
Celebrate others’ successes: Instead of comparing yourself to others, take the time to celebrate their successes. Acknowledge the hard work they’ve put in, and be happy for them.
I want you to have what I have and what my clients are experiencing- living a fully present life and not missing alcohol! When I took a break from alcohol I never dreamed I would feel as good as I do now. I’m still on a break almost 3 years later! I feel all my emotions and I feel true joy again!
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