I would rather kick the can down the road than question my thinking. I would often think, "My drinking isn't that bad to have to quit?" A better question to ask is, "Is my life good enough like this?" Full of hangxiety and regrets, I just stayed stuck in a constant "groundhog" day.

Why Can’t I Get This? Why Am I Falling Apart?

In the fall of 2015, I was at home. The kids had left for school. It was a very dark time for me. I was full of emptiness, Calling out for help. Dark thoughts of wishing I was dead or never born were swarming in my head. (My own George Bailey moment.) Praying for God to help me. I called Matt. “I can’t go to work. I need help!” I couldn’t move. I just sat and cried.

I got into counseling finally at age 47. Things got better. I gained tools to help me, but the one thing I needed to release was still in the room. The one thing I still leaned on and went to was alcohol. I never shared with my therapist that I was using alcohol to numb out from my own internal disappointment in my life.

I could feel the heat and anger rise! I just wanted to work out. Why can't my remote be where I left it? Just put it back. After 15 minutes of looking and searching the couch cushions, I went to ask for help. I went to my husband's office.

I yelled something to the effect of, "I am 'blanking' sick to death of having to look for the remote every morning!" "You need to tell your son if he wants to watch t.v. that he needs to put the remote somewhere it can be found!"

This is how I would often greet my husband at 6:00 am or 5 pm when he would arrive home from work. My temper at times was like a lightning bolt! I could be set off by the littlest of frustrations!

Here we are; it's the 4th of July weekend already! Summer is half over. Next Tuesday, you will see all the Back-to-School supplies at Target & Walmart, and Hobby Lobby will have "It's Fall Ya'LL" out, and Christmas decorations will begin to appear! YIKES!

So, we are officially halfway through the year. How do you feel? Are the resolutions from January 1st long gone? Or are you still working on them? 

This year, personal development has been a priority for me. Healthy life changes like drinking more water, getting better sleep (still a work in progress), and making better food choices. Keeping my morning routine. Not beating myself up if something doesn't go the way I want it to.  

802 days AF and still having “firsts”. I went to my first baseball game AF with my son.⚾️🏟 Mother’s Day Gift!

For non-Americans, last call for alcohol is the 7th inning and the 7th inning sponsor was Bud Zero. What a hugh culture shift! 💯

Now it is not lost on me that Budweiser wants to make $$s, but they are listening to consumer demand. 👏👏👏 Did I have one? No, but the choice was available to me.

Were people still binge drinking all around us. Yes. Did it bother me? 🤨No. Would this have been different experience 700 days ago? Yes. Because 700 days ago I was a different person with new neural pathways. Would I have been tempted back then? Maybe. 🤷‍♀️

For the longest time, I struggled with the thoughts, "Am I drinking too much? "Am I an Alcoholic?" But, the word didn't fit. I wasn't missing work, no DUI, my relationships were good, and I wasn't drinking any more than my peers.

Well, it's the week in-between Christmas and New Year's. How do you feel? Are you excited about the New Year approaching - it's a clean slate and the possibilities abound! Or are you a little blue about the festivities coming to an end? Do you have dread of the next year? Will this year be the same?

There is so much talk about self-care. I never thought of exercise as self-care. My idea of self-care was a glass or two of wine. I felt that 20 minutes of release that I got was worth it. At first, that rush was worth it. But little did I know that those drinks were causing so much chaos internally. I mean, red wine is good for us, right? (The answer is no, but that is for another blog post!)

When a person decides to take a break, moderate, or quit drinking, it takes effort. When I first took a break, I researched programs. Just like I did fitness programs and healthy eating plans. I decided that I would commit to a break. I signed up for a program that was all about grace, compassion and judgement free and then did the work. Did I do everything? No. But I did do a lot of it, and I made it through 21 days! The next step was 30 days alcohol-free. I then continued another 30 days alcohol-free, then 100 days until I hit my goal of a year alcohol-free. By then, I felt so good that I didn't want to go back to my old lifestyle—with each step, I built stronger mental muscles. You have to use tools and tactics to keep you going forward to your goal.

It’s Thanksgiving week, and I have been reflecting on all I’m am grateful for in my life. Going alcohol-free has opened up so much in my soul. This process has opened my mind to curiosity about all things in life. I’m grateful for becoming more mindful and more present in my life.

Let’s talk moderation. Many of us want to moderate our drinking, and many people can. You know, take it or leave it. As a society, we are told there are “Alcoholics,” and everyone else is a “Normal” drinker. This thought process is perpetuated by advertising, social media, and our family and friends. So, when a person has issues with moderating their drinking, it becomes you have a problem with alcohol.