Why Can’t I Get This? Why Am I Falling Apart?

In the fall of 2015, I was at home. The kids had left for school. It was a very dark time for me. I was full of emptiness, Calling out for help. Dark thoughts of wishing I was dead or never born were swarming in my head. (My own George Bailey moment.) Praying for God to help me. I called Matt. “I can’t go to work. I need help!” I couldn’t move. I just sat and cried.

I got into counseling finally at age 47. Things got better. I gained tools to help me, but the one thing I needed to release was still in the room. The one thing I still leaned on and went to was alcohol. I never shared with my therapist that I was using alcohol to numb out from my own internal disappointment in my life.

I could feel the heat and anger rise! I just wanted to work out. Why can't my remote be where I left it? Just put it back. After 15 minutes of looking and searching the couch cushions, I went to ask for help. I went to my husband's office.

I yelled something to the effect of, "I am 'blanking' sick to death of having to look for the remote every morning!" "You need to tell your son if he wants to watch t.v. that he needs to put the remote somewhere it can be found!"

This is how I would often greet my husband at 6:00 am or 5 pm when he would arrive home from work. My temper at times was like a lightning bolt! I could be set off by the littlest of frustrations!

888 DAYS AF!

As my son says, "It's all about the GAINS!"

But when I thought about quitting alcohol, it was all about deprivation! Like many of us, I was focused on what I would have to give up. A completely normal response, by the way.

I was so scared to give up my wine or craft beer because how would anything be fun without alcohol?

How could I socialize without a glass of wine in my hand?

How could I get through events without a beer?

How could I go on vacation?

Finally, how would I be able to toast my kids and their new spouses at their weddings?

I was fixated on missing out! I mean, how can we do anything without a glass or two of wine or a cocktail?

Here we are; it's the 4th of July weekend already! Summer is half over. Next Tuesday, you will see all the Back-to-School supplies at Target & Walmart, and Hobby Lobby will have "It's Fall Ya'LL" out, and Christmas decorations will begin to appear! YIKES!

So, we are officially halfway through the year. How do you feel? Are the resolutions from January 1st long gone? Or are you still working on them? 

This year, personal development has been a priority for me. Healthy life changes like drinking more water, getting better sleep (still a work in progress), and making better food choices. Keeping my morning routine. Not beating myself up if something doesn't go the way I want it to.  

The Battle is REAL.

Cravings are the ongoing battle of your conscious mind versus your subconscious brain. The conscious mind has a desire to lose weight, so you make a decision to say NO to the Oreos or the glass of wine; but you may notice, as soon as you decide to not have something, the “craving brain” of the subconscious mind makes you believe that all you want is the thing you said you’re not going to have. It is maddening!

Last week, I celebrated 2 years of living an alcohol-free life. GO ME! My 2nd Adversary or my Soberversary! I'm not a huge fan of the word sober, but I'm starting to be okay with it over time. I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD NOT DRINK, but I no longer drink now, and I love it. Finally, I have the life I always wanted. I'm living in the now!

Many things are happening to me, and it can be overwhelming at times! I have started a new course to become certified as a Christian Mental Health Coach, and I'm really excited about it! I'm volunteering in an Alcohol-Free Group, working my regular job, and trying to get my website and coaching business up and running while balancing family life. That sounds like a lot, and I'm okay with it all. I have been told no more unless I cut something out by my husband.

I tried for many years to moderate my drinking, and for a long time, I was able to, or did I? The problem, it’s tough to moderate an addictive substance. So over time, I slowly increased my intake, and then I started to drink to relieve stress and anxiety.  

For the longest time, I struggled with the thoughts, "Am I drinking too much? "Am I an Alcoholic?" But, the word didn't fit. I wasn't missing work, no DUI, my relationships were good, and I wasn't drinking any more than my peers.

Well, it's the week in-between Christmas and New Year's. How do you feel? Are you excited about the New Year approaching - it's a clean slate and the possibilities abound! Or are you a little blue about the festivities coming to an end? Do you have dread of the next year? Will this year be the same?